advent altar, christmas chaos and the descent into hell

well, after many hours of cutting and pasting, our little advent altar is looking mighty fine. i cut out so many pictures of the madonna and child from so many different cultures and time periods, that after awhile i started missing the grown-up baby jesus in that holy pair, even in the pictures, unlike this very sweet one, where the baby jesus looks at you dead on. "isn't that weird?" i asked pache, "that i can't see the grown-up jesus in these babies?" hmmmmm....she answers in that knowing way. pache gets babies and we both know that babies have so much to teach us, that in their quiet knowing ways, they show us so often a better path. if only we could listen.

this is crazy talk to most people, i know. i mean, honestly, does the baby jesus count as a sage? isn't that stretching things a bit? all i can think of is the many ways god came to me when madeleine was a baby. the ways i needed to slow down, listen, get into her rhythm, her groove. she showed me how to be a mother little by little, starting at the beginning. sometimes when she's melting down now as a six year old, i wonder if i would do better to remember the madeleine who was once so small and unruly. i guess in many ways we never change and always need the same things--a quiet companion, a loving touch and the space & peace to know someone is completely dedicated to our well-being. that we are not completely alone.

i'm at this stage of the christmas season where i hear this distant sound of crying and wish whoever belongs to that baby would just make it shut up. do you know what i'm talking about? every year about this time, usually on box five on the way to box ten that needs to be shipped out, i start to feel oppressed by christmas and wish the whole thing could be moved up to about january 15. or cancelled altogether. how this happens, i don't know. but i start to hate christmas. the pressure of presents, boxes to be shipped and marital strife starts to weigh down on me. i want to go pull the covers over my head.

but then i remember the question pache and i ask each other these days. what would the zine do, jen? ah, yes, the zine. that pesky little creature living in boxes in our bedrooms. the zine would....light the candles of the advent altar, set all the packages and presents aside and play with madeleine and carter all day tomorrow. no computer. no hurry-skurry. the zine would paint madeleine's toe nails and then order up one nice snow bath from the husband. the zine would pick up that crying baby jesus and realize that's me, too. that's what the zine would do.

god, i want to get to the place where i see that baby jesus as a real live person, as someone to show me how to be in the world. maybe tomorrow, in the swooshing of the bath, in the laughter of the play, in the quiet of snuggling, i will find that holy place. dear jesus, i hope so.

Posted by Jen at December 13, 2004 01:18 AM