my christmas tree keeps me company in lieu of the dejected carter. the ornaments are hanging on the entire tree this year--not just the bottom twelve inches. there have been a few casualities, true, during the early days of the tree when carter was learning that the glass "balls" don't bounce, but all is well now for the tree, my family and me.

despite this moment of peace and unexpected calm, i feel a little lost somehow, as if somewhere in the quiet of packing and wrapping, unshipped boxes, overflowing laundry baskets, christmas--the real one--is still waiting for me. i almost forgot there was another christmas. you know

the one where
mary had a baby
in a cave
without her mother

the one where
jesus came
unknowing
to human arms
for nurture
and survival

the one where
joseph decided
love was better
than a good name

the one where
being left alone
at night with sheep
was a good thing
the luckiest thing
ever

the one where
old people
felt vindicated
holding the
promise in their
arms on the
eighth day

i tear off another piece of sourdough bread to munch for my midday snack and help myself to the last half glass of merlot without thinking.

my stark tree sentinels sway slightly outside my window, and i feel to my bones all the death that winter brings. the baby is crying in the manger, but i cannot hold him yet. i am too starved from the journey, from the long waiting for the promise, from the stale air in my own soul. somehow i missed the angels, and i need to catch my breath, take this bread and this cup, and remember my lord is not dead--he lives! he is completely alive, squirming in that manger, protesting his arms in the swaddle, rooting for the breast, following that voice, that strange voice now unmuffled and unmediated by the sounds of water.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

dear sweet jesus
i take you now
into these arms of mine
i'm not sure how to do this
don't cry now
i will be with you
i will adore you
i will try to match my breath to yours
rising
falling
in perfect rhythym
your whole life through

we always say
the baby will teach you
everything you need to know
about being a good
mother

so teach me now
dear baby boy
show me when to jump
and when to rest

stir in me
compassion
with your tears

show me
how to comfort
how to move
with your protest

rest quietly
here sweet
sweet baby
i will lie down
with you
and together
we will dream
of every
beautiful thing
you will do
when you grow up

talk to me
sweet jesus
in that baby murmur
i love so much
and i will
learn to dream
again too
with open eyes
amazed and free.

make me the mother
you need me to be